Filling My Empty Heart
Well, it’s that time of year again, the day before Easter, where we wait in anticipation of the coming celebration. I too am considering so many things in my life. Easter always seems to be the perfect time to reevaluate my life, to see the road that God has put me upon. So here are some simple thoughts from my heart. Not profound, by most standards, but deeply felt.
I tend to struggle with staying faithful to my spiritual responsibilities. Everyday life has a way of intruding, pushing it’s way between me and my faith, like a little kid sliding between two adults in conversation. I want to desire a rich life of faith; I feel such a need for something in my life. But online conversations, grocery store runs, dirty kitchens, coffee with a friend, everything makes itself so much more prevalent than spirituality.
I’ve come to find what I think is at least a partial answer to the problem. God is very subtle. And I don’t mean subtle in the sense that He beats around the bush; more like He’s the shadowy figure in the corner of the room. Sometimes it’s especially hard to find that individual in the shadows, because the rest of the room is so brightly lit by everything and everyone else vying for attention. The brighter the room, the darker the shadow. Sometimes, in this world of mega churches, with big rock bands, and people shouting out the messages of cultural relevance, God kind of slips away. And it’s there that I miss Him.
These past couple months have been very transformational for me. Frankly, it’s been considerably difficult merging back into family life. Coming back home, most of my friends from when I was formerly here are gone, or in other situations. It has been a time of lots of solitude and reflection. I’ve really struggled with my faith, because for the longest time, I rode on the coattails of friends and activities, things that I used as a safety net, so that if I felt lost in my relationship with God, I could fall back on all the busyness and friends and activities in my life. Now, being home in relative quietness, with little to occupy my time, I no longer can fall back on all those partially superficial things. God isn’t so subtle anymore. He’s come out of the shadows; He’s waiting for me. And it makes me feel uncomfortable.
It doesn’t change the fact that I try to fill up my time with other things. But it does mean that I no longer feel secure in those things. Being alone has made me face my faith head-on. What does God want from me? Why can’t I just find friends and activities and be secure in those things? Is God trying to punish me?
The Word says that whom the Lord loves, He disciplines. And when you take the word “discipline” here, I don’t think it means punishment. I think it means building up, Breaking through. There is a hole in my life, and when it’s not filled up with other things, it’s very, very empty.
I recently revisited some of my old blog posts, to see how my life has progressed. I was certain I would see how changed a person I am now, in comparison to what I was then. I was assured of my own maturity. However, the first post I read knocked me flat, because I found myself being chastised and instructed by my younger self. Here’s what I said:
I have struggled for a long time, because I have taken my talents, and put them before God. I have said, 'Since I am so good at this, I must do it, since I shouldn't waste talent'. I now know that I owe my talents to God, as it was Him who gave them to me. I realize that if I am able to give them to Him, he can mold those gifts into His perfect will. And in realizing that, I see that art is good, science is good, all knowledge is given by God, but these things, used for the purpose of themselves, makes them purposeless. So, I know that the only thing I can now claim to have is Jesus, and His love for me.
It struck me how true it is that I want everything in life but Christ. I am no more heavenly minded than the next guy, but I have no excuse. I’ve got the knowledge and the means to find a fulfilled life. All I have to do is commit it to God, day after day.
I’ve spent so much of my life looking for meaning in all the wrong places, when in truth, it was standing on the sidelines all along. Now that God is right there in front of me, I think I feel a bit insecure in what I have to offer. It’s a pretty meager offer, comparatively. But I’m finally willing to admit what I did in that post so long ago, that the only thing I can claim is what He gives me. I can’t offer anything real back to Him, I’m reliant on Him to give me anything of worth in the first place. The thing that I am fearful of is the only thing that can really offer me any security or meaning. God is slowly working through my heart, filling up that empty space. He’s the only thing that really fulfills.
Lord, even as this Easter season is upon us again, I feel insecure in the light of who I am, and who you are. I feel empty, much like the disciples must have felt in those days before you rose back to life. I’m insecure and doubtful. I want to believe in your promises, but don’t understand how. Please come back into my life, just as you did when you left death hollow and vacant, like the empty tomb you left, so that you could fill us instead. Please fill me as I try to seek you again, in isolation or in happy community. Help me to embrace your life wherever I am in life. Thank you that your love never fails. I wait in humble expectation of your love. Come quickly, Lord. Amen.
I tend to struggle with staying faithful to my spiritual responsibilities. Everyday life has a way of intruding, pushing it’s way between me and my faith, like a little kid sliding between two adults in conversation. I want to desire a rich life of faith; I feel such a need for something in my life. But online conversations, grocery store runs, dirty kitchens, coffee with a friend, everything makes itself so much more prevalent than spirituality.
I’ve come to find what I think is at least a partial answer to the problem. God is very subtle. And I don’t mean subtle in the sense that He beats around the bush; more like He’s the shadowy figure in the corner of the room. Sometimes it’s especially hard to find that individual in the shadows, because the rest of the room is so brightly lit by everything and everyone else vying for attention. The brighter the room, the darker the shadow. Sometimes, in this world of mega churches, with big rock bands, and people shouting out the messages of cultural relevance, God kind of slips away. And it’s there that I miss Him.
These past couple months have been very transformational for me. Frankly, it’s been considerably difficult merging back into family life. Coming back home, most of my friends from when I was formerly here are gone, or in other situations. It has been a time of lots of solitude and reflection. I’ve really struggled with my faith, because for the longest time, I rode on the coattails of friends and activities, things that I used as a safety net, so that if I felt lost in my relationship with God, I could fall back on all the busyness and friends and activities in my life. Now, being home in relative quietness, with little to occupy my time, I no longer can fall back on all those partially superficial things. God isn’t so subtle anymore. He’s come out of the shadows; He’s waiting for me. And it makes me feel uncomfortable.
It doesn’t change the fact that I try to fill up my time with other things. But it does mean that I no longer feel secure in those things. Being alone has made me face my faith head-on. What does God want from me? Why can’t I just find friends and activities and be secure in those things? Is God trying to punish me?
The Word says that whom the Lord loves, He disciplines. And when you take the word “discipline” here, I don’t think it means punishment. I think it means building up, Breaking through. There is a hole in my life, and when it’s not filled up with other things, it’s very, very empty.
I recently revisited some of my old blog posts, to see how my life has progressed. I was certain I would see how changed a person I am now, in comparison to what I was then. I was assured of my own maturity. However, the first post I read knocked me flat, because I found myself being chastised and instructed by my younger self. Here’s what I said:
I have struggled for a long time, because I have taken my talents, and put them before God. I have said, 'Since I am so good at this, I must do it, since I shouldn't waste talent'. I now know that I owe my talents to God, as it was Him who gave them to me. I realize that if I am able to give them to Him, he can mold those gifts into His perfect will. And in realizing that, I see that art is good, science is good, all knowledge is given by God, but these things, used for the purpose of themselves, makes them purposeless. So, I know that the only thing I can now claim to have is Jesus, and His love for me.
It struck me how true it is that I want everything in life but Christ. I am no more heavenly minded than the next guy, but I have no excuse. I’ve got the knowledge and the means to find a fulfilled life. All I have to do is commit it to God, day after day.
I’ve spent so much of my life looking for meaning in all the wrong places, when in truth, it was standing on the sidelines all along. Now that God is right there in front of me, I think I feel a bit insecure in what I have to offer. It’s a pretty meager offer, comparatively. But I’m finally willing to admit what I did in that post so long ago, that the only thing I can claim is what He gives me. I can’t offer anything real back to Him, I’m reliant on Him to give me anything of worth in the first place. The thing that I am fearful of is the only thing that can really offer me any security or meaning. God is slowly working through my heart, filling up that empty space. He’s the only thing that really fulfills.
Lord, even as this Easter season is upon us again, I feel insecure in the light of who I am, and who you are. I feel empty, much like the disciples must have felt in those days before you rose back to life. I’m insecure and doubtful. I want to believe in your promises, but don’t understand how. Please come back into my life, just as you did when you left death hollow and vacant, like the empty tomb you left, so that you could fill us instead. Please fill me as I try to seek you again, in isolation or in happy community. Help me to embrace your life wherever I am in life. Thank you that your love never fails. I wait in humble expectation of your love. Come quickly, Lord. Amen.
posted by Eucharisto at 2:38 PM
3 Comments:
Joel, I read this post of yours a couple of posts earlier where you were talking about a lot of things, amongst which was how acting is about love.
I had really liked that post of yours, and I was intentioned to comment on that today, but I just read this.
And this is one of the most beautiful posts I have read form you.
I relate to this almost cent per cent.Every single thing you have said here is just so true.
So subtle, not profound, yet dramatically true.
To tell you the truth, I have myself been thinking upon very similar lines since the Good Friday, but wasn't able to put down my thoughts into words.
Even today in The Church in the Easter Service, I was feeling so blank. Something was amiss.
As the Bishop was talking about resurrection, he said amongst other things that Christ is always there walking right besides us, but it's us who sometimes don't recognize him for who he is, and hence responsible for what we think of as God not communicating with us.
I am not able to recall the passage in the scripture this had been taken from (my passage recollection is extremely limited, probably because I haven't exhausted through The Bible extremely well, which is in fact something I am planning to).
But when he was talking about this, I was filled with these exact same thoughts as you have beautifully expressed here.
And have an extremely happy Easter!
I pray that The Lord restores the peace with you.
That prayer is exactly the prayer of my heart, except that I think I am just beginning this journey that you have been on since you've been home. Just today, in church, I realized how much my daily life has gotten in the way of my walk with God. Each time I make a decision my career is considered first, then my God. Only today did my heart become ready to change that, and I'm starting by giving Him my summer.
I just want to encourage you that your life is always a testimony. When you write about how you have struggled in your faith I look back on those few moments when I was with you during that time and I wouldn't have known. Even when you feel that you are in your weakeast moment, the Holy Spirit's presence in your life still speaks. Keep chasing after Him with all of your heart. I know He has an amazing will for your life!
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