Well everybody used to tell me
Big boys don't cry
I've been around enough to know
That that was a lie
That held back the tears
In the eyes of a thousand
Prodigal sons
We are children no more
We have sinned and grown old
But our Father still waits
And He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running
Back into His arms
Growing young
-Rich Mullins
It's funny, the older and more mature I get, the more I think I would enjoy acting. I mean, I've done it all my life; it's been an integral part of my education. I've always loved the thrill of finding the groove of a character, and falling into place with the quirks and specialities of my assigned personality. But the more mature I become, the more I can delve into nuances and subtleties I never knew existed before. The more I grow into adulthood, the better I understand and appreciate the human nature.
It's an odd growth, coming into a deeper realization of the person I am becoming. It's like waking up, over and over again. Sometimes I absorb these characteristics consciously, sometimes not. But the more I internalize differing emotions and embody a more expressive rationale, the more I feel like I understand who I am, and the better I relate to others in life. However, inevitibly, it has also built into me a deeper understanding of the negative aspects of the human nature. Fear; sarcasm; obstinacy; recently I have become more and more aware of my shortcomings. I see that as much as I am capable of being a well-rounded, great guy, I am far more prone to fall and mess up. It disturbs me now in a way it never did before; it keeps me up at nights.
It's a strange irony. When I was young, just like any normal kid, I dreamt of an adult life, with all of its apparent priviledges and pleasures. Now that I'm here, I shoulder not only a deep responsibility for myself and others, but the weight of knowing I will inevitibly fail those people somewhere along the way. Sometimes in my darkest moments I think that I would love nothing better than to live in happy oblivion; not only with an innocence, but with naivety. To be ignorant of evil and sorrow. It's a hard burden to bear the knowledge of good and evil. I better understand now, what I betrayal Adam and Eve's choice was of God's love. They had life, and peace given by a loving Father, and they chose knowledge over God's life. I see that I unfortunately fall into this lie occasionally as well. And if I were truly honest with myself, I'd love nothing more than to give it up for ignorant bliss.
When I was young I used to think that it would be rather impressive to experience sorrow and pain, like I saw in the lives of others around me. It seemed almost as if it were a proud and important burden to bear. Now, having lived through my own moments of sadness and difficulty, I know that such thinking was earnest, but misguided childishness. There is nothing good or pleasant or true about pain, sorrow, or sin. They are simply true to themselves. They are a bleak and stark picture of wrong. There is, simply put, no right about it.
But there is right beyond it. C.S. Lewis once said that "pain is God's megaphone to arouse a dead world". In otherwords, pain is the conduit of meaningful redemption. Pain is what I would call a negative virtue. In existing and working in our lives, it proves the need for the very opposite of what it embodies. Like the void that proves the absence, and therfore the need for light, pain and sorrow open our eyes not only to the existence, but the profound need for hope and love. It's almost as if we need that pain to understand the depth of love.
I hear people throw the phrase "Faith like a child" around all the time. Most often, it is used in a context that proposes that such faith should exist as if we were innocent, perhaps even unknowledgeable of doubt and fear. I think this is utter nonsense. When we have experienced true sorrow in our lives, it can never fully be removed from our heart. It is forever a burden and grief that only heaven can fully heal. To pretend like that grief doesn't exist, to ignore it, is to buy into a lie that ultimately leads to breakdown. No, faith like a child cannot be held together by a false-naivety. There is a much stronger bond that holds the fibers of faith in place.
Love. It hopes in all things, it believes in all things, and perhaps most importantly, it endures all things. The Apostle Paul himself said that the greatest virtue, even beyond faith, is love. This is because love doesn't deny the grief of sin and sorrow. It doesn't take on a false sense of guiltlessness. It instead fills that void of sadness with the grace of Christ's sufficient love. Love covers a multitude of sin. We can't forget the heaviness of a heart grown old and worn with sin, but we can always choose to grow young again by living in the love that Christ has offered for us. We don't live in false naivety that leads to short-fallen expectations, but rather we choose to live in a knowledgeable innocence, where we will still be haunted in the night by sin and sorrow, but comforted by the hope of Christ's love that allows us to sleep in peace.
Perhaps love is like acting after all! It takes onto itself a role; in the case of the human nature, it displays the character and nature of the greatest role of all: Christ. Even as I would embody the personality and virtues of my character in a play, in reality I absorb the truth and personhood of Christ. And with that role well practiced and internalized, I live out the ultimate play of life. When I feel the pain of my life as it is in the real world, with difficulties and grief, I have to put on the character of Christ, and live in Him again. Pain is natural. Christ is supernatural. He transcends what we know, and transforms us into we desire in Him. Through this putting on of Christ, I am able to live my life, and push beyond sin and sorrow; not forgetting or ignoring those hinderances, but instead pushing beyond them to live in true grace and love.
